Interview with the CWE Brand Director, Staphanie McMahon
Michael Cole cringed as Staphanie McMahon flopped down into the cushioned chair across from him, scratching at her crotch. He was almost certain he could hear the clicking of her filthy crabs crawling all over each other on her fortunately covered crotch.
“Um… welcome, Staphanie. I guess the most appropriate first question would be, do you have any response to Sheri’s words for you in her interview?”
“Who the hell do you think you are CALLING ME A BITCH, MICHAEL? I could have you removed from CW RIGHT NOW IF I CHOSE TO! I could ensure you’re on the streets begging for money and food BY THIS EVENING! If you EVER CALL ME A BITCH OR ANY OTHER NAME AGAIN, YOU’RE FINISHED! Do we have an understanding, Michael?”
“Y-yes, ma’am. I’m sorry. I’ll never insult you again. So… ummm…”
“And as for that little tramp, Sheri Stull, she sure has a big mouth, doesn’t she? Let me tell you something, dear: the night your boy toy found his face meeting my globdrillionaire puppies was the GREATEST NIGHT OF HIS LIFE! Oh sure, he might not admit it to you, but I guarantee you he’s tugged on his little dinky more than once remembering that night! Too bad that’s ALL HE’LL GET FROM ME!
“Really, you can call me all the names you want, Sheri. Do your worst, because it doesn’t change the fact that I’m CW’s FIRST AND ONLY WOMEN’S CHAMPION! Not you, ME! ME, DAMMIT! You had your shot at my belt at CreatureMania 13 and you BLEW IT! Blew it harder than I blow Chane! You talk about destroying me in the ring, but you’ve yet to COME CLOSE! Maybe your boy toy could teach you a thing or two about fighting in between his daydreaming about my puppies. But then again, he’s not exactly doing well for himself in matches either, IS HE?”
“Speaking of you, Chane, and… uhhh… well, what are your thoughts on people accusing the two of you of being incestuous?”
“Where did you hear that from? SHERI? What Chane and I do in our shared, single bed hotel rooms is NO ONE’S BUSINESS! But it’s really like Chane said: you can never be too close to family! I have a story I’d like to share with you, Michael.”
“I’m all ears I guess, Staphanie.”
“On my eighteenth birthday, Chane gave me the best gift of all! After the party was over and I’d washed the guests off of my face and our parents were asleep, Chane crept into my room with no clothes on and I spread my…”
“NOPE! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! PLEASE STOP NOW!”
“And then we took a bath together…”
“OH MY GOD, PLEASE STOP! THIS IS DISGUSTING!”
“And that was my first time!”
“Great. It’s far more than I ever wanted to know. Are you at all worried by the separation of Chane and yourself thanks to the brand split?”
“Worried? Of course not. CWE will BE THE BEST! But my legs will always be open for Chane. Whether we’re eye-to-eye or eye-to-crotch, this split changes nothing about our relationship as brother and sister!”
“Too bad. I asked Chane what he would do if Sheri was drafted to ECF and I’d like to ask you the same: what would you do if Sheri was drafted to CWE?”
“Sheri better hope SHE ISN’T! Because I can tell you right here and now, SHERI WON’T SURVIVE! She already lost to little ol’ me. What if I were to put her in a match against say, SHI DORSUJUN KU? She’d stand NO CHANCE! If I were her? I’d be planning my exit strategy from CW right about now. And what if she and Deadblood end up being drafted to SEPARATE SHOWS? She won’t even have him to protect her then!”
“What about Botch Recliner? A lot of people have doubts about his ability as a CW MegaStar, yet Chane and yourself have stood behind him this whole time. Where do you envision his career going post-draft?”
“I really am TIRED OF THESE DOUBTS ABOUT BOTCH! He’s the Soon-To-Be Champion and he’s successfully defended that belt SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY! What else does he have to do to prove that he’s someone other wrestlers in this company should be worried about? Sure, he might say HUH? a little too much, but have you seen those peaks, Michael? They alone are enough to make a girl’s g-string wet! So when I think of Botch’s future in CW, I think of one word only: SUCCESS! The man is bound for success, no matter WHAT BRAND HE’S ON!
“I’ll tell you what though, sometimes, I just can’t help exposing myself to him. I think it helps get him focused on his matches. One time I even had Chane…”
“THANK YOU, STAPHANIE! I’M ENDING THIS NOW!”
