Interview with the Guardian of Wickedness – Red Spyder

Michael Cole is sitting in a chair, looking oddly at his guest.

“I’m here with the Guardian of Wickedness, Red Spyder, and… what is it you’re doing there, Red?”

Red was sitting across from Cole with a flower clutched in one massive hand, plucking its pedals with his other hand.

“She loves me… she loves me not… she loves me… she loves me not… she loves me… she loves me… NOT?!”

Enraged, Red took the flower in both hands and ripped what was left of the head from the stem.

“SHE LOVES ME! That’s better!”

“Uh… I don’t think that’s how it works. Who was that meant for anyway?”

“Isn’t it obvious, Michael?! It’s for the love of my life, Angel!”

“The love of your life? I was a little distracted during this year’s CreatureMania moment, but she doesn’t seem to exactly feel the same way about you. Has something changed since then?”

“What are you talking about??? Of course she feels the same! She’s just playing hard-to-get. You know how women are. In public, they’ll resist any attempt you make to show them how you feel, but once they’re behind a closed door with you? It becomes all about the monster beef and how much of it they can stuff inside of them!”

“I’m not sure we’re talking about the same Angel. Well, what about her father, the Lord of Blood, Kizmat? He certainly doesn’t seem to be a fan of yours.”

“You mean that whole cutting off my tongue business? That was nothing! I certainly hold no grudge over it. In time, I believe Kizmat will learn to accept what has formed between his daughter and myself.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then! … I’ll just have to try harder, won’t I, Michael?! I won’t give up on him! And if I have to go that far, it’ll only prove the strength of my love for Angel! I think of Kizmat as being like a cat. With a cat, you have to earn it’s trust. And if rubbing it and keeping it well-fed isn’t enough, you stick your finger up its ass!”

“WHAT?!”

“Except with Kizmat, I’ll need something a lot bigger! Something like…”

“Um… a monster beef… ?”

“No! I’m thinking more like a well-lubed baseball bat! Maybe a couple baseballs too! That will undoubtedly tame Kizmat and then he’ll finally be able to accept Angel and I!”

“Well… you sound really… in love with her. Where did you two even first meet?”

“Oh you know! It was one of those things! We bumped into each other and we hit it off pretty much right away! You should have seen her that first night, Michael! She couldn’t keep her hands off of me! When she first tried the monster beef, I thought she wasn’t going to stop squirting premium juices! And then…”

“Okay, I think it’s time to move on to the next subject! Can you explain what you meant by it being Gojinn’s fault that you were… put in the electric chair?”

“I don’t think it’s any secret around here that I was once put in the electric chair for certain… crimes. I survived and after that, well, they really didn’t know what to do about me. What do you do with a man who won’t die? Who’s been electrocuted, decapitated, shot more times than I can remember, blown up, and disintegrated, yet still walks among the living? But just because I survived that electric chair doesn’t mean I enjoyed it!

“Now a lot’s happened since then. Every time Gojinn and I are around each other though, he always claims how much better he is than me and how he’s a king, forgetting the fact that I almost died for him! I’m sure he thinks being left behind in Atlantis makes up for that…”

“What? Atlantis? Like the lost city?”

“Yes, Michael! Atlantis! ATLANTIS! Gojinn thinks being left behind there gets him off the hook, but you see, Gojinn, that was just a matter of survival! You were weak! And you were weak when I went to prison too! You were like a lost puppy and you ran to the first pair of saggy, hairy titties you could find! You’re still weak! Too weak to face me directly! You are a PUSSY! Caused by too many years of cowering inside of the pussies of others, your most recent favorite pussy belonging to Kevin McKain!

“The games are up, Gojinn! Calling yourself a king doesn’t mean fucking shit to someone who rules an entire hell! Inside the walls of that prison, you’ll have no pussies to hide in! You’ll have no choice but to deal with me directly! And if you’re lucky, you’ll get a small taste of what one experiences when they come into a true position of power! A small taste of what it’s like to be ME!

“INTERVIEW OVER! I NEED A DRINK!”

At that, Red ripped off the microphone attached to him and stood up, tipping over his chair as he ran out of the room.

“Thanks, Red… I think…”